vycchang

My wonderful parents! (Taken with Instagram at Brown University Main Green)

The almost graduate! (Taken with Instagram at Brown University Main Green)

I’ve been having trouble coming up with titles for my posts more recently, but that’s besides the point.

My dad’s finally home from LA — the whole family is finally together! But this time is unfortunately going to be short lived: he has his second treatment of chemotherapy tomorrow so he’ll be at the hospital for the whole day and then my brother and I are going to go back to Brown on Friday. 

When I saw him from afar coming to the baggage claim, I couldn’t help but to smile. It was when he got closer that I had mixed feelings. He seems so much weaker and visibly thinner now than even a month ago to date when he visited us at school. Hopefully he won’t get [too] sick after tomorrow’s treatment and can be as close to the strong, vibrant man I’ll always know my dad as. 

And just as an aside, it’s never easy to hear, to see, or to even know that he’s crying. 

Operation: LoV

This past Saturday was truly a blessing. My friends from church surprised me by visiting me and bringing a care basket of cupcakes and other goodies. Seeing them walk through the door — I could only imagine the stupid, awestruck look that I must have had on my face.

They apparently set up and planned an event called Operation: LoV (Love on Victor). They reached out to one of my suitemates to make sure my day was free in order to surprise me and it most definitely worked. Maybe I was a bit naive or gullible for so easily believing my friend who wanted me to clear out the day’s schedule for a “dinner and party.” But in the end I’m really glad that I was actually surprised. 

Nine people cleared out their schedule and drove up to Providence with two cars. And more people contributed to the efforts by writing letters of encouragement and adding to the contents of the basket — speaking of which I don’t think I’ll be able to finish by the end of finals. And after the initial four hour drive, they were only able to spend about an hour here, just enough time to really absorb the emotion and share a quick meal before they had to drive back home. Driving alone was 6~8 hours and I can’t put a particular number on the number of hours they put into preparing the basket, the cards, the permission of parents and church leadership — all that to just spend one hour with me. Quantitatively, it’s obviously disproportionate, but I have no doubt in their mind that they feel as though all of it was worth it. I mean, I can’t even really put to words the amount of happiness I experience and the amount of love I felt by their visit.

The amount of support that has been pouring out to me these past couple trying weeks has really much more than I expected. Granted, I never imagined to be in a scenario that I would even need this amount of support and at this point of time I can honestly say that each and every act and word of encouragement, hope, reassurance, support, care — just everything — does mean something significant to me. It’s almost sad how sometimes you only truly realize how much others care for you only after reaching that place you’d never wish for anyone else to be in. Or actually, you just never realize it on a daily basis until you reach that point. 

I know that these past couple weeks I’ve shirked on some my duties and responsibilities as a friend and family member for no better reason than needing to distract myself from thinking about certain things and being afraid. There have been many times where I’ve wanted someone to talk to only to find that I couldn’t find the actual words to say, or the strength to bring myself to talk about things. When I first heard the news, I had sort of a resolve that I would try to call and talk to my dad as much as possible, but did you know that I haven’t even been able to call him once since his first treatment of chemotherapy? I’m honestly just scared of hearing bad news. Or hearing him cry again.

I guess I kind of went on a tangent from the purpose of this post. I just wanted to voice my thanks towards everyone: my church, the members of my fellowship, my friends, my family, even acquaintances and complete strangers who have praying for my dad and my family. Even if they are just words, it means a lot. Thanks, everyone. 

Stress? Eh.

In the next two weeks — well not even since I’m looking specifically from today until 5/12 — I have 48.5 hours of work. Next week alone I’m cutting it really close to the 40 hr/wk maximum. And I guess I should be studying for finals, too. Well, at least my second to last paycheck of the semester will be around $450.

And there are always other things on my mind, too. But distractions are always welcoming. 

I was advised that I should make a list of things that I wanted to do with my dad while I can. I think I will. And I will do as many as I can.

tophu:

Did you know that your heart is about the size of your fist? So when you reach to clasp somebody’s hands for a first meeting of sorts, you’re really delighting in the comparison made: one a little more clumsy than the other in the fumble of fingertips. Awkward smiles and invitations to connect…

To Dad

When I heard the news
I broke.
It wasn’t immediate.
It definitely wasn’t immediate.
You can’t simply expect anybody to process
Something like that instantly.

It was a simple crack at first
And as the pressure of my thoughts
Compounded upon itself —
As I continued to ruminate,
My being gave out.
And I broke.

I broke down into hundreds of
Pieces, trying to collect myself
Because I knew you would be the
Last one to want to see one of us cry.
I tried to be strong — for you —
But I couldn’t.
I just broke.

It was only through the support
Of my friends that I seemed to
Gather up the shards that were once
My whole, but even the glue that
Friendship provides can’t compete
With this type of news.
So, again, I broke.

Maybe I was always broken,
Maybe there always were these
Cracks, but none of those could
Ever measure up to the one 
That was finally enough to
Break me.

I have been broken since,
Sometimes it has been more apparent
Than other times, but nonetheless
Broken still. I hope it gets better.
Not for me, but for you. 
Especially for you. Because if
I’m broken. I can’t imagine
How you could possibly feel right now.

I thought I knew pain before —
Be it physical or emotion —
But no, I didn’t truly felt
My soul wrenching under itself
Until I broke.

I worry that I may never be
Fixed. How can when I know
That I’ll be losing a piece of me?
I may one day gather up the
Shattered remains of my past self,
But there will forever be
Your piece missing. 

Read More

Brown’s break would fall awkwardly so it doesn’t line up with any other school’s break.  This is the last time I’ll be home for around 4.5 months and there’s nobody to see. bloop

Spring Weekend

Fri: Sepalcure, What Cheer? Brigade, Childish Gambino
Sat: Cam’ron, Twin Shadow, Rebirth Brass Band, The Glitch Mob

So, does anyone want to share some of these aforementioned artists’ music with me? :D